Epiphany

I've been at an emotional impasse for quite a while now. I know that many of you probably realized this before I did. I have so much that I need to be doing but it's so overwhelming that I end up doing nothing which then leads to frustration, depression and even less progress than before. Realizing this was half the battle. The other half will be figuring out exactly what is holding me back. I think I know but it's too personal to discuss here. It involves someone who has had a profound effect on how I think of myself. This influence is for the most part not positive. I'm terribly conflicted about this because, well, there is no solution. I don't know if there ever was. I am who I am and they were who they were. They are gone now and the conflict is coming from how I feel about my own emotions and reaction. I'm angry but I feel guilty for the anger. How do I deal with that? Before you start empathizing and get depressed yourself, this post is not all gloom and doom. Once I finally admitted to myself what has been bothering me for months, years, what's been holding me back, some of that burden was lifted. And the good news, today, I made real progress for the first time in a while. No, it wasn't with my diet....I did start recording what I eat once again on myfitnesspal.com this morning (hint:it's free and very thorough!) The sad part, once I recorded what I had for breakfast, I saw that I was over half way through my entire daily allotment of calories and waaaay over what fat I should be eating....ouch! lol And the progress isn't with exercise but I am moving more and walking more and just plain doing more....than sitting in a dark room, wrapped in a blanket, watching the dumb-down box and feeling depressed. So, that is progress in a way but still not what has me fired up. I have been doing some needed research for my work even if I haven't picked up a pen, brush or knife for weeks. Still, not my progress even if it was informative and helpful. No, my progress is something that is no big deal for some but major for me, I've been cleaning. Cleaning spots that have not been touched for a while, washing windows and improving my view, gathering up things to donate to KARM while de-cluttering and becoming more organized and efficient. Sure, it might not be exactly what I need to be doing or should do but it has energized me, banished the depression and has me feeling positive for the first time in a long time. Sure, I need to work on the diet (and cut a lot of sugar and fat, lol...I'm ashamed to say that I had a cranberry-orange muffin with sweetened cream cheese for my lunch!....but I don't really regret one, sinfully sweet, delectable bite. ;) .) I also need to start working out, walking, lifting weights, stretching, yoga wouldn't hurt. I'm at my highest weight this year and I'm over it. It's time to have this fat pack it's bags and leave. And I certainly have work on my work that needs to be done. There is a coloring book for adults to finish that I've been promising forever, carvings that I've promised for even longer and a new project of my own I want to get started on but I sincerely believe that those things will come. This putting my house back in order will lead to balance in the other aspects of my life. And, on that positive note, I will say good night; it's time to feed the ponies and walk the dog and then rest after a very fulfilling day.