I've been thinking a lot lately about why I can't seem to get anything done. It's not just my studio and revamped workshop that I've been promising to have finished for two years now....in my defense, I was sick a large part of that two years...... and it's not just the work that we HAVE to do on our house. No, it is also any sort of personal regime I try to start...diet, exercise, establishing some helpful or healthy habit.

So, I came across this author. I saw a video she'd done on FB. Evidently, I signed up to follow her at some time but I don't remember doing this. The author is Gretchen Rubin and after hearing her talk about the topics that have been concerning me, I downloaded two of her books, The Four Tendencies, which talks about the four personality types concerning getting work done, meeting deadlines and what's holding us back...I'll spoil the ending, it's ourselves...surprise!....and The Happiness Project, which follows the authors year long quest for more happiness and fulfillment in her life.

I've just started reading The Four Tendencies and already I can clearly see my problem with not being able to stick with any project to the end. I mean I'm amazing at planning and I'm pretty good at starting but finishing....well, our house has been a torn up mess for sixteen years now!!! I filled out a quiz....there is a link within the book...and I was told I am an obliger. As soon as I read the description, I knew this fit me like a kid glove. I will do anything others ask of me. They ask and it doesn't matter how I feel or what I have to do, I drop it all and go help them. But obligers can do this for others but not for themselves. If it is something that is personally beneficial, it doesn't get done. The big picture problem....my husband Steve is an obliger as well. For years, it has irritated me and often hurt my feelings that he might be too tired to fix something here but let a friend, family or neighbor call him and he's out the door. I thought it had to do with me but now, I can see, he's just like me.

So, what is the answer? We have to trick ourselves into thinking we're doing the work for someone else. That shouldn't be hard. I've had two people ask me this week when those coloring books will be published. So, I will finish the books for them. There are people who have been patiently waiting on new carvings for two years or longer. I will consider getting the work done on the house in general, studio and workshop as a deadline I must meet for them. I think eleven years is sufficient time to be over my burnout. And as for this house tumbling down around our ears, I think since the giant leap in our home owners insurance premiums...over $6000 a year I'm sad and ashamed to say...., I think Steve should see this as a deadline that MUST be met. He can say it's for me, he can say it's for our bank account but I think he can find that outside motivation needed to get the job done.

all of her books are available on amazon.com

Okay, this is a mock up that I did on the computer of a sign I want to make for our entry. I know this is probably in the distant future at the moment because there is soooo much more we need to be working on both me in my workshop and studio and us, as in Steve and I, on the house. But...I'm a planner and it is nice to have ideas to aspire too. Besides, I already told Steve to be on the lookout for barn wood. lol

Epiphany

I've been at an emotional impasse for quite a while now. I know that many of you probably realized this before I did. I have so much that I need to be doing but it's so overwhelming that I end up doing nothing which then leads to frustration, depression and even less progress than before. Realizing this was half the battle. The other half will be figuring out exactly what is holding me back. I think I know but it's too personal to discuss here. It involves someone who has had a profound effect on how I think of myself. This influence is for the most part not positive. I'm terribly conflicted about this because, well, there is no solution. I don't know if there ever was. I am who I am and they were who they were. They are gone now and the conflict is coming from how I feel about my own emotions and reaction. I'm angry but I feel guilty for the anger. How do I deal with that? Before you start empathizing and get depressed yourself, this post is not all gloom and doom. Once I finally admitted to myself what has been bothering me for months, years, what's been holding me back, some of that burden was lifted. And the good news, today, I made real progress for the first time in a while. No, it wasn't with my diet....I did start recording what I eat once again on myfitnesspal.com this morning (hint:it's free and very thorough!) The sad part, once I recorded what I had for breakfast, I saw that I was over half way through my entire daily allotment of calories and waaaay over what fat I should be eating....ouch! lol And the progress isn't with exercise but I am moving more and walking more and just plain doing more....than sitting in a dark room, wrapped in a blanket, watching the dumb-down box and feeling depressed. So, that is progress in a way but still not what has me fired up. I have been doing some needed research for my work even if I haven't picked up a pen, brush or knife for weeks. Still, not my progress even if it was informative and helpful. No, my progress is something that is no big deal for some but major for me, I've been cleaning. Cleaning spots that have not been touched for a while, washing windows and improving my view, gathering up things to donate to KARM while de-cluttering and becoming more organized and efficient. Sure, it might not be exactly what I need to be doing or should do but it has energized me, banished the depression and has me feeling positive for the first time in a long time. Sure, I need to work on the diet (and cut a lot of sugar and fat, lol...I'm ashamed to say that I had a cranberry-orange muffin with sweetened cream cheese for my lunch!....but I don't really regret one, sinfully sweet, delectable bite. ;) .) I also need to start working out, walking, lifting weights, stretching, yoga wouldn't hurt. I'm at my highest weight this year and I'm over it. It's time to have this fat pack it's bags and leave. And I certainly have work on my work that needs to be done. There is a coloring book for adults to finish that I've been promising forever, carvings that I've promised for even longer and a new project of my own I want to get started on but I sincerely believe that those things will come. This putting my house back in order will lead to balance in the other aspects of my life. And, on that positive note, I will say good night; it's time to feed the ponies and walk the dog and then rest after a very fulfilling day.

A Change is on the Way!

I truly want to reclaim my life.

What do I want in my life?....balance.

Where am I right now?.....overwhelmed, out of shape, over weight and stressed.

Am I enjoying my life and living it to the fullest?.....no.

Why is that?.....because I spend all of my time hiding from the problems and things that are overwhelming me and dreaming constantly of how I know my life can be....but I can't live in a dream.

It's getting to the point that I'm afraid I won't wake up. It's like I'm in a walking coma. I have to make changes in my life and I have to start now. It is time to rise and shine and get on with my life. Life is not over just because I'm over sixty or because I'm constantly reminded that there are far more years behind me than there will be in front of me. But I also can't give into the myths, both good and bad. The "good" one is that life is suppose to be easy now. We are suppose to have set ourselves up on easy street at this point and just be cruising. That is really bad because it makes you feel like a failure if you're not at that place in your life. The "bad" myth is that our lives are basically over, we are going to keep declining until we land in our graves and there is nothing we can do about it. I've let myself get in a bad place. I've become more sedentary, I have the worst diet of my life and rely on take out way more than I should and I'm stressed beyond reason and feeling like a royal failure at life and overwhelmed by my problems. But, I'm lucky that I've remained reasonably healthy even though I'm fat, sedentary and out of shape (lazy.) So, as I said in previous posts, I'm ready to go to battle. This old girl still has a lot of fight left in her!

Here are a couple of articles you might find interesting. This article is about getting fit after 60 and it has a fitness evaluation test...which surprisingly, I did pass even though it wasn't with flying colors. The next article says that there is no better time than now to get fit and that applies double if you are over sixty and the benefits are almost miraculous! It offers tips for getting in your best shape.

Of course, it isn't just about fitness. I do have great plans. I have plans to redo this entire house and that isn't just the elbow grease that needs to be applied to clean and repair...some major repairs...but also, all the little details that will turn this tumbling down wreck back into a home. I have plans to get back to work after a very extensive hiatus. I'm an artist so my work is portable for the most part but, in order to get back to the wood sculpture and fulfill the orders I have waiting, I have to get my dust and spiderweb covered workshop back in order, too. My horses have been neglected far too long but getting back in the saddle will require jumping both emotional (fear) and physical barriers. I could go into the other parts of my life that I want to bring back into balance but working on those three things will help to bring everything back to where I'm functioning again....and hopefully thriving in all aspects of my life.

I promised that I would keep you posted on my progress, especially progress on the house and my work but there has been little progress so far. But, like I said before, the only time to start is NOW.

Those beautiful horses I was talking about: